It is the same every year: around the end of October, the people in your office change into all kind of business zombies and make your life a living hell. To prepare you for the upcoming business zombie apocalypse, we have gathered some survival guidelines for you. But beware of the humor! Please don't take the following all too serious.
Do you sometimes feel like a hollow pumpkin?
Is there only a ghost of you left, because because your zombie bosses or your zombie employees are driving you crazy?
Are you "braindead" sometimes and not even candy helps?
Then here's the ultimate guide on how to survive the business zombie apocalypse!
He asks so much of you that you don't know how to finish all the tasks. You work overtime every day and still can't meet his requirements? He basically sucks the life out of you?
To survive this kind of business zombie you should attack with objective arguments. Track the time you spend on your daily tasks and prove to your boss that it isn't possible to do everything he asks.
She flies through the offices, screaming, and leaves nothing but destruction and chaos. No one knows what it is that she wants - but she frightens everyone. She is every employee's worst nightmare.
Kill them with kindness! When dealing with witches it is best to be extra freindly and search an open discussion with the whole team about the "team spirit" in general. Keep the conversation factual and try not to point fingers.
Often witches have problems no employee knows about and let their anger out on their employees. When she throws her next tantrum, try not to listen or take it personally.
The Frankenstein is the kind of employee that does what he is told, but doesn't think while doing his tasks. He arranges the chairs for the meeting but in rows instead of a cricle for discussion. Or he orders sandwiches for a client who is gluten intolerant etc.
To survive a Frankenstein, start by giving them exact instructions on how to do a tasks - don't leave out any details. After a while your employee will get into a routine and you can slowly reduce the amount of instructions. The Frankenstein will finish tasks to full satisfaction without even thinking about it!
Even worse than the Frankenstein: the Undead. He schuffles through the offices with empty eyes - the perfect representation of what lies behind them. You won't hear him talk much, except for the occasional noise that is nothing more than a desperate, questioning groan: "Whaaaaaat?" An undead is no help. But you can still survive him.
Before letting the Undead go, try to bring him back to life. Many times the given tasks and the bosses are the reason why many normal employees become undead. Maybe your Undead isn't challenged enough and deserves more challenging tasks. In many cases, though, the Undead are burned out and stressed, - or the other extreme: "bored out". Talk to these employees early on and offer your support, e.g. in form of flexible work hours or professional help. If there are remarkably many Undead in your company take a close look at your team's workload and whether you can improve processes to alleviate their workload.
When dealing with a zombie project you might recognize many people being absent a lot or that meetings, project goals and beaurocratic hurdles get out of hand. When you know that you are working with a zombie project you need to decide what to do with it. You can either reanimate, recycle or bury it.
Reanimating your project means trying to get it back on track. To do that, you need to make changes like improving decision-making processes or setting clearer and smarter objectives.
Recycling means setting up a completely new project but trying to reuse some material of the old project.
Only bury your project, when there is absolutely no way around it anymore.
With these guidelines, it should be a piece of cake for you to survive the business zombie apocalypse. If not, there are still the Ghostbusters to help you out. In any case, we wish you a